I loved him most…

I have been absent from blogging…I just haven’t felt inspired to write. On July 9th the early morning call came to me, “Darlene, I just received a call from the home, your Dad isn’t doing well”, it was my step mom. I had received this call a couple of times before but something told me this one was different. As I got off the phone, all I could think was ‘Dad please just wait for me’. Within the hour I was walking in to his room. I immediately knew, he was going to be going ‘home’ very soon. I sat beside him and took his hand, and all I could do is weep. Oh Dad, I don’t want you to suffer, but Dad I am not ready to lose you yet. Although alzheimers took him from me a couple years prior, I still yearn for his touch, to watch him breathe, to stroke his hair, to watch his mannerisms. I made the call to my husband that it did not look well, as well to my two kids. I asked them if they wanted to see Grampa, knowing that it would be hard for them to see him and say good-bye. My son could not do it, which I understand why, he has loved his Grampa for 27 years and wants to remember Grampa the way he was. My daughter came and sat with us that day, along with my aunt and step mom. I told Dad, your girls are here, it’s ok to go home. There were sweet words shared that morning, ones that I will never forget. As I kissed him and told him that I loved him, Dad went home to heaven.

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It doesn’t feel right that life keeps going on. I miss him so much, although I have missed him for a long time. Dad was my greatest teacher in life, my biggest cheer leader,  has loved me the longest, loved me absolutely unconditionally and honestly the best person I have ever known. I cry when no one is around, I want to feel him, I want to look at his hands, just touch him. I just wanted to curl up in the bed with him that day, as I still do now.

My Dad set amazing examples to his children and grand children. He was the most Christian person one would ever meet, he walked the walk. I mentioned in my tribute, I have learned many life lessons from him, the greatest one he taught me was the power of forgiveness. I honestly wouldn’t have some people in my life if I had not forgiven them, always reflecting on a talk he gave me about it. At 16 years old I had to forgive people who had affected mine and my son’s life as a young teen mom. I still and will never forget, it still hurts me badly their choices, and affects the relationship today, but I had to forgive so I would not be consumed with that negativity in my life.

I should have told him more how much I loved him. I should have paid more attention to his stories. I should have visited him more. I should have….Please, tell the ones you love how much you love them. Embrace the ones who love you. I loved him the most and with my whole heart. I will miss you forever Dad, I will keep your memory alive. I don’t think these tears will dry, but I know that you are with me. I will keep talking to you like you are here, and loving my family like you loved me.

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